We all do silly things sometimes, and later wish we hadn’t. For example, I bet Malcolm Turnbull and K.Rudd wish they’d played their cards differently this past year. If they had, it might have been their turn to face the Federal Election next month, and not their respective usurpers (so to speak). I also assume that one day Heidi Montag is going to regret making the decision to stop looking like a human, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the creators of Teletubbies sometimes wonder what went wrong in their cognitive faculties the day they thought those terrifying creatures up.
Actually, scratch the last one. I’m fairly certain the Teletubbies’ creators were on crack, which means they can’t be held accountable for their actions. (“Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laaaaaaaaa! Po!” Think about it. What other reason could there be?)
Anyway, before I start looking for a television in my own tummy, let’s talk about my current Wish-I-Hadn’t.
Coles Dark Cooking Chocolate
Here are my excuses for eating this… product:
1a) I needed chocolate and this was the only type in the house.
1b) Lie. I had plenty of other chocolates in my stash.
2a) I want my blog to be about broad-spectrum snacking chocolate, not just artisan and/or speciality and/or expensive chocolate.
2b) Semi-truth. I do want my blog to blur the Bourdieu-esque high/low culture divide, but “cooking” chocolate isn’t really something people buy as a treat. Therefore 2a is a moot point.
3a) I couldn’t help myself.
3b) Truth. How could I resist something with a cookie-cutter housewife image on its packaging and “Nature Identical Flavour” as an ingredient? I want to look as apathetic about baked goods as that woman, and I want to know what Nature tastes like. Don’t you?
The colour scheme of the chocolate in that photo is not a mistake. I didn’t have my camera set to black and white or fluorescent or what-have-you. And by “colour scheme” I clearly mean “unceasingly grey”, which in turn means I must give Coles points for one thing: I’ve never eaten grey chocolate before.
I’ve also never eaten chocolate with such a horrific melt. In fact, there was no melt. This chocolate’s texture was the black hole, the absence, of meltingness. Let us call this an UnMelt. It was almost impossible to bite into and, after managing that not-small feat, chewing it was like chomping on the nine-months-later-consequence of a one-night stand between chalk, styrofoam, and sawdust. (And before you ask, no, I’m not sure who the father is. One of those is going to get off scot-free when the paternity results come in.)
Want to know the really odd thing? (Apart from the fact that the UnMelt made this chocolate seem a different species to, say, Valrhona chocolate, and that I managed to finish the whole 200g in three days anyway.)
Coles Dark Cooking Chocolate actually had some distinguishable flavour notes. Most noticeably, it tasted like chocolate drinking powder. The kind that makes not-great hot chocolate when mixed with hot milk, and almost-as-awful-as-Teletubbies hot chocolate when mixed with hot water. Doesn’t exactly get you excited inside, does it?
There were even some brown sugar and golden syrup notes mixed in with the inoffensive cocoa powder and sugar flavours, but I can’t lie to you: I still wish I’d saved my chocolate-snacking minutes for something infinitely more worthy.
Question Time: Have you said or done something recently that you kinda wish you hadn’t?